Swimming Through Failure
by Deborah Stambler, PCI Certified Parent Coach®
Izzy failed her swim test. She climbed out of the pool and between shivers and sobs told me that she has to take the Level One class again. That means two more weeks, two whole weeks of Level One all over again.
I wrapped her up in a big white towel while she told me about being nervous because she never took a test like that before. Then, she started sobbing in earnest with her shoulders shaking and nose running. Izzy is seven, so I can still scoop her up and hold her on my lap while she cries. But it's hard to watch your baby cry with disappointment and not want to somehow fix it.
I'm not going to pay off the instructor, but I could ask if Izzy can do a quick re-test when we start the next session. I thought this might be the way to fix the situation because Izzy has complete confidence that she can do all the floating and gliding necessary to move up to Level Two. Still, it might be better to let her fail.
I actually thought about taking her out for ice cream or a new pair of shoes. I told myself this was okay as a distraction. She was crying pretty hard. What if she cried all afternoon? What would I do then? In the end, I decided the distractions were more for me than for her. So, I took her home and gave her a nice lunch. She cried off and on. Her little sister, Olly, and I took turns reassuring her.
Life presents us with lessons all the time. Catching on to the lesson is sometimes the hard part. Personally, I miss a lot of opportunities simply by rushing around. Izzy's tears helped me to slow down and pay attention so I could comfort her. Presumably, I'd be able to teach her a little something about pain and disappointment.
If at first you don't succeed; try, try again. My response to those worn-out but well-intentioned words has always been a disgruntled mumble accompanied by a cheeky little toss of the head. So, I didn't foist that particular maxim on Izzy's already beaten down demeanor.
Instead, I told her that the class number doesn't matter. The important things are to have fun learning to swim, to feel strong and safe in the water. Her response was a disgruntled mumbling, "Yeah, but it was important to me."
Fair enough. Passing this test was important to her. She tried to do everything in class that the teacher asked of her. Izzy's approach to swimming is the same as her approach to everything. She's open, eager and focused. Generally, she learns quickly. This also means she gets frustrated easily and reacts strongly to failure or disappointment.
I know that disappointment teaches persistence and self-discipline. There's even the opportunity for Izzy to discover how important swimming really is to her. She'll get a lesson in how we create our personal goals. She's not too young to learn this. But it still sounds blasphemous to champion failure.
I thought it might help if I told her stories about famous people who failed, persisted and overcame their difficulties. There's the story of Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan. Or Abe Lincoln who lost eight elections, two businesses, one fiancée and his mind (for about six months) only to go on and become one of the greatest leaders this country has known.
Or there are stories from Greek mythology to draw on. I looked up stories about Theseus and the Minotaur, Cupid and Psyche. But I didn't think Izzy would be able to identify with these characters even though the stories are truly wonderful—full of perseverance, challenge and success.
There is a beautiful story called "The Empty Pot" by Demi in which an old emperor is looking for his successor. He gives each child in the land a seed to plant. In one year's time, the children are to return to the palace to show what they have grown. The child the emperor deems to have done the best job will be next in line for the throne.
Little Ping is our hero. He loves flowers and he's sure that with his skill as a gardener, he will be the next emperor. Ping's seed fails to grow. He tends it carefully, expertly and nothing happens. A year passes and it is time to present the flowers to the emperor. Ping's friends go running by with huge flowers and laugh at Ping with his empty pot. Ping's father tells him that he did his best and he can present that to the emperor.
It turns out that the seeds were boiled before they were given to the children. The emperor recognizes Ping's courage and honesty in bringing his failed seeds and names him as successor to the throne.
I love this story. The girls and I have read this book over and over again. As a writer, I know that stories are powerful teachers. But I've also learned first hand that kids aren't on a conscious search for the parallels between themselves and the characters they read about. They don't analyze the story. They don't look for character development. Kids simply listen and take in the story.
There are adults, however, who love this sort of thing. Ping's father is my new hero. He tells his son the right and honest path through the situation and then moves out of Ping's way.
I didn't want to prove to Izzy that failing was okay. I just wanted it to gradually sink in that it was okay. That life goes on. Swimming will still be fun and her new instructor will have something to teach her.
Izzy has started her new round of swim classes. She didn't get bumped up to Level Two, but she has made a friend who can also stay under water for 30 seconds. I have great faith in Izzy's resilience. From this experience, I've learned that she needs more than platitudes. She wants to know that she'll receive empathy when she's in pain. Failing that test really hurt. She needed someone to hold her close while she cried.
Her determination and self-discipline will grow from experiences like this. Her connection to her feelings and to other people will also flourish. Izzy told everyone about failing her test. She got hugged and kissed for days afterward. She's learning that she can trust the people close to her to listen when she's feeling badly. The love she receives in those moments helps her move on and try again. In her swimming lessons, Izzy is more determined and stronger than ever.
Enough time has past since the swim test and I think we'll read "The Empty Pot" before bed tonight. I do wonder if she'll make any connection between herself and the character in the story. But I'm not going to ask. I'm just going to read the story and say goodnight. Good stories—and maybe even life's big lessons—don't tackle us head on. They enter our consciousness slowly over time, slipping like water into cracks too small to see.
Deborah Stambler is a poet and PCI-certified parent coach living in Los Angeles with her husband and two daughters. She can be reached through her Web site at www.thepeacefulparent.com.