The Independent Individual—An Evolutionary Process

I've been thinking about the cycle of life recently, particularly relating to the evolution of a certain characteristic we strive to instill in our children—independence.

Independence is a highly valued trait in our American culture. Perhaps it stems from the fact that we are descended from English pilgrims, European refugees and Asian immigrants who were by nature more adventurous and self-sufficient enough to leave their homes and forge a new life in a distant land. We encourage our children to become self-reliant and guide them towards this independence first physically, followed perhaps emotionally and academically, and finally financially. Independence is the final goal we tell ourselves.

Zandie, my first born, is graduating from college in May. I can't believe how fast 21 years flew by. I marvel at how this child of mine, once so full of anxiety at each new school year, became so independent that she is now searching for jobs on four continents. I wonder what part we played in it and what events provided the forum for her to become so self-reliant.

Yet, this thought holds some poignancy for me as I see how my 89 year old father, once an intrepid young 17 year old embarking on a long journey from China to a new life alone in America, is now so dependent on those around him. I observe how the hand that guided me so well and once let go, is now grasping mine again, but this time in support for himself. I see how he accepts help from others with gratitude and grace. This cheerful acceptance of his dependence upon others makes it so much easier for his loved ones to provide him with the support that he now needs. As a new phase in life begins for both my daughter and my father, I feel the paradox of letting one go with my left hand while reaching out to catch the other with my right.

It strikes me that the real goal for our children is to develop a healthy attitude towards both independence and dependence. Excessive tendencies on either side of this equation are detrimental to both the individual and those around them. We all have our own stories of these individuals to tell. Striving for the optimal balance throughout life's ups downs is a continual process but one that marks growth at each stage. There is beauty in both independence and dependence on someone else. Appreciation and gracious acceptance on both sides of this equation produces a loving relationship that is a pleasure to enjoy to the end.

Our children see us living our daily lives quite independently while giving them support to become independent individuals. Watching our example of recognizing when we need help and graciously asking for it , they will learn to master the art of balancing self-reliance as well as dependency. I, for one, hope my children will always feel comfortable enough to reach out to family or friends for help in time of need. This is, ultimately, true independence.

Laureen Chang, PCI Certified Parent Coach®
CoachingforaHealthyFamily@yahoo.com
(626) 282-9626

Laureen's parent coaching practice focuses on supporting parents of preteens through college age young adults. She has a BA in Child Study from Tufts University and an MBA in Finance and Marketing from UC Berkeley. She has three children, lives in San Marino, California, and enjoys good books, great friends, and memorable adventures.

Copyright © 2009 Laureen Chang, all rights reserved. Used with permission.